#13 It is the unknown we fear
When we look upon death and darkness. Nothing more.
Hi! Monday blues strike again. We hope you start this week with being productive enough at work because the weekend feeling still lingers. On our last episode, Meiska wrote her best findings during the pandemic and Elsa introduced you to Kokology —a self-discovery game! Click here in case you missed it.
This edition of #SalMonday is coming from Irvan Herviansyah. He is a truly an inspired person who loves to engage in youth communities. He met Meiska when he was a coordinator in Earth Hour Bogor, and he connected with Elsa when he was a head of external communication team in IAAS (an international students organization in agriculture) while Elsa was his team member.
He brought this idea,
“Everything about loneliness. What do you think about loneliness? How do cope with it? Did you handle it well?”
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Meiska
As an introverted person, it’s easy to distinguish whether I’m experiencing my time alone or loneliness. When I was single, I got to do everything alone until I feel so good at it! It felt so liberating not having to depend on anyone’s presence. I always find joy spending time alone. But that doesn’t mean being in a relationship keeps me away from having me-time, instead we get to spend our time together and so far I feel comfortable being alone around him, just the two of us.
Loneliness for me is when I’m at different point far from everyone —because I’m in a deep dark pit. I actually hate it, but being left behind sucks. Maybe it’s not their fault, it’s never their faults. They never actually leave us but damn why did I feel so small?! I’m the one who built the walls, and decided to ditch everyone off. Because truthfully, loneliness it’s a battle against my mind. What a fucking mind trick.
When I think about loneliness, it always brought me back to my darkest time. It’s the same time when I wrote Kimi No Na Wa was one of the reasons of my revival. Those time-wasting and emotionally-draining research moment. When I was still working on my research, my class decided to organize a farewell night —where we go to a relaxing place to play games and spend time together for the last time. One of its programme was the mail time. We received and sent letters from and for our classmates. There was a letter sent from a girl in my class and it said:
“Meiska
Meiska.. I don’t know if it’s just me. But you look sad and lonely most of the time, while the world is too loud.
Hi, smile, girl! You’re a cool independent girl. You Cikarang (my hometown) girl, you can finish your research!”
So it’s true, no? All these loneliness and being stuck in a deep dark pit —this whole thing, was just something I made up myself! I was trapped in my own thoughts. I always keep this letter to remind me how dark times can be worsen by our own thoughts!
During my time alone, I watched a lot. So that’s how I cope up with it. And to prevent me from feeling the same thing which will drawn me into those deep dark pits, I always talk those things out to someone I trust. At least that ease my burden and feels so relieving. Well I couldn’t say it that I handled everything well and smooth. But I learnt so much. I will never forget those dark times because it made me the person I am to day. Nothing much, nothing less.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." — Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
Elsa
Loneliness started with a feeling of ‘I did not belong’. I feel lonely at most of these life stages:
I did not belong at my senior high school environment. I see the popular folks were shining with their beauty or wealth or by being ‘cool disobedient kids in class’. I retracted myself. From being top five achiever in junior high, I became the bottom five in senior high.
I had pressure when I was started my first career as Management Trainee. Most of my working colleagues were not comfortable to welcome myself at the office (who was this fresh graduate trying to give another job for me as if she understood??)
I am feeling that I lose my best friend since he has become a husband (and I don’t really close with his wife). At his birthday this week, I tried to call him but he was having guests at the moment. He said, “Ttyl!” and has left my chat empty until now.
But then I watch a Ted Talk from Jonny Sun—You are not alone in your loneliness. I kindly suggest you to watch this solely 10-minute video that can inspire you to accept the self-loneliness. He brought an idea to share the loneliness online, let a little microcommunity be formed, and in the end to feel a little like home.
One key take home message from the video is this:
Then I realized that I actually used social media to cope with my loneliness too (especially in this pandemic)! Here are some of my stories that might inspire you to do your way and find your microcommunities online:
I am learning to be more socially active in LinkedIn and I know how damn hard to do it. So when I posted something and people reacted with thumbs or commented, it was really meaningful for me. As I know how it feels, I automatically do the same way to others. I reacted to the posts of the current Management Trainee at my previous office (because deep down I know what they feel inside!), I commented to the posts of my peers and bosses. I make personal reactions and try not to use the auto response that LinkedIn provided. Genuine words make a genuine connection.
I had a discussion with friends in Twitter about life around dating apps. My friend talked about how dating apps would reduce a human value to become a disposable one, another friend giving dark fun facts about dating app life of some Indonesian scholars ‘part time student full time traveler’ kinda way (I won’t spill it here lol), some found diamond and had a relationship thanks to the app. The small talks then grow further by asking one of them to be featured in #SalMonday today!
I shared my down moments usually in my Tumblr and expressed it in a casual informal Indonesian language. When I posted a new Tumblr writing in Instagram story, some of my friends responded and shared their similar experiences. Even a simply support ‘I know how it feels’ means a lot.
Salmon Mentai is also a place for me to reconnect with Meiska and to all of you. To read all the comments in the newsletters, or to get a poke ‘good luck for your internship!’ after my vulnerable story in the #8 edition are things that have brought a consciousness that I am not alone in feeling lonely.
Remember that you are not alone in feeling lonely. Choose to share your feeling in the void or leave a comment below!
The great thing about finding uncommon commonalities together is that it can help you to fit in and to stand out at the same time.
Play a musical instrument! me: piano, our feeling of loneliness will disappear slowly through the beautiful note we played :)