#9 I fear therefore I am
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Hello welcome back to #SalMonday! We hope you have restful and fulfilling weekend! Actually we were a bit confused because our last newsletter tracker didn’t seem working very well. We hope it was sent to your mail, and this one too!
Our last newsletter menu was about Meiska’s reflection on adulthood friendship based on Hospital Playlist and Elsa’s jotting on what inspired her to make peace from within. You can read it back here.
Our guest for SalMonday today is Meiska’s colleague and close friend from work Gerry! He is a social media analyst and practitioner. Meiska remembers he and she were invited for the selection of hiring process on the same day at our office, and passed all the steps haha. His mind wonders every time, and I guess we think alike that made us comfortable talking personally to each other. This time he asked,
"What is your biggest fear?”
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Meiska
I take things personally most of the time. Most Cancerians like to linger on beautiful moments and keep it, they said. I don’t buy it at first but I guess it’s the truth. I like to create beautiful and warm moments with my loved ones, I want them to feel how meaningful they are to me hence the moments. My biggest fear is when those are taken away from me.
Being forgotten
Maybe it has happened to me before but I just didn’t care enough to know. But I’m so scared of being neglected by people I love to hang around with the most. The people we used to be and talk with suddenly don’t wanna spend their time with us anymore, intentionally. They don’t ask us anymore when they need some help. When I wrote last week’s newsletter it was a hard slap on my face as well, and a reminder that I must protect my friendship at all costs. When it comes the time I have to say goodbye to my close people because they have to move, I always say “I hope you don’t forget me”.
Not being good enough
This is the most-frequently-happened fear for me. It binds me from going far, binds me to stay in my safe zone, and unables me to move forward. I think of what people think of me. I choose my words and actions carefully, I’m afraid people will get offended or find something wrong from it. It made me afraid to make mistakes, so I keep asking before knowing that I can learn from them. I keep explaining and defending myself. In return, I’m getting anxious from overthinking it. But one day I came to realization that what other think of me is something I can’t control. So I have to maintain it better because the feeling from fear comes unexpectedly.
Unable to make a living
I guess most of us are afraid of this? I was lucky growing up with a settle and safe life. I was born with no flaw, healthy. I have a very responsible parent who raise and take care of me and my sisters very well. My fear is not being able to provide such things for my parent as they get older and weaker. I know thy are very understanding and didn’t ask anything in return, but still, I feel responsible as their child. Therefore, I promise myself that I have to be financially stable for my parent and my family in the future by working hard, and be responsible with my choice.
What a hard writing while I’m turning 27 years old today, as I’m looking my fears happening as I write it. However, I can’t let these fears let me down and consume me. I have to control it from controlling me. But from fear, we hope. From hope, we live and go on.
Elsa
I am scared of heights, especially if there is no protection rail. I am scared of insects and prefer reptiles anyway. Yet apart of those two things, these are my biggest fear.
The fear of having no support system
This photo was taken on Meiska’s birthday in 2015, the same day as today (That means, today is Meiska’s birthday— turning 27 isn’t that bad, eh? Happy birthday!!!!)
I remember in high school I did not have close friend and it was a grim part of my life. Adulting life is challenging, but adult friends have made it better. My mentor once advised me when I shared to him about my aspiration to work abroad after Master. He said, if I want to work abroad I need to tick these four things altogether: (1) My eligibility in legal matters— working permit, qualifications, (2) Family consideration, (3) How to manage the expectation vs reality working life, and (4) Support system I can rely on. Indeed, the fear of being lonely is dire situation for humans.The fear to go to hospital (and hospitalized)
It was my desperate moment at emergency room because of severe gastritis. In 2018 I was hospitalized (the first time of my conscious life in 25 years) because of gastritis. I was deeply stress and did not even realize it until it came.
I went by motorbike taxi to the nearest hospital from my kosan— rented accommodation in Jakarta, and the driver was asking me about the route to go to the destination. I just replied him, “Would you just check the map on the application by yourself because I need to concentrate not to throwing up here”.
It was really painful and I was like sakau (a person who is suffering because of drugs dosage reduction). I was feeling cold, my tummy was like relentlessly punched, I could not bear the pain and wanted to scream. It was even worse because there was no med as a quick fix to my hull. After two weeks being hospitalized, I went to barbershop right away and trimmed my hair. I did “Buang sial”—my personal ritual to getting rid of my calamity.The fear of grief
We have never been prepared to lose someone we love. I was in undergraduate and was in public transportation (angkot) going back to my campus and had a call from my father. His sound was okay at first, but then he cried while trying to tell that my grandma (his mother) had passed away and asking if I could go back to Jakarta as fast as I could. It was my first time to listen to my daddy’s cry.
I also lost my closed uncle. He is my mom’s brother in law. It was an intense time to understand all the last goodbye procession as I saw my mom was helping my aunt and their two little children for all the funeral procedures. Just in hours, the whole big family was waiting in the funeral home, waiting for my aunt and my mom organizing the service. My aunt was finally coming to the waiting room where we were there sitting silently. She was looking to her mom (my grandma) who was also patiently waiting with us at the waiting room, then hugged and cried loudly.
There is nothing wrong to feel the fear. However, we cannot overcome the fear without being aware to it initially. Tell us what you fear in a comment below is a small step to become fearless!
The only thing we have to fear is the fear itself.. and a flying cockroach.
