#30 After thirty, a body has a mind of its own
— Bette Midler
Hello, welcome back to our readers, especially regular ones! It’s been quite a journey writing here. We’re so happy that we could share our stories and thoughts here with you. Today is out 30th post!
Thank you for staying around and connected with us. We’re also not gonna stop to remind you to practice health protocols because it’s the only way to protect yourself, and your loved ones!
On our last edition, we invited Mujahid as SalMonday guest. He proposed us to write about what kept us on track of our life purpose. Click here in case you missed it!
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Meiska
August passed just like a snap for me. It’s weird, though, that we travelled to four cities for venue inspection but it felt so quick! Last week, the inspection team was assigned again to visit Palembang. We spent three days to inspect stadium, and other supporting facilities. Thankfully, I got to eat so manyPempek (fried/steamed fish cake, served with sour and hot sauce)! It was even served during breakfast at hotel! Yummy!
All those “requiring high mobility” activities made me forget that August, was my 3rd anniversary working for the federation! Sometimes it amazed me that I stay here, no matter what. There are hard times that made me feel I don’t belong here anymore and tried to find new job. But I think I’m here for a mission, and the universe will make me leave once it’s finished and take me to higher football dreams!
This year, a lot of my colleagues and bosses left too. It made it even harder to begin with, and it only felt like I’m living from one farewell to another. We used to lift each other up, being presence just to make sure we’re not left alone, and had fun together! So looking forward to gather in a complete pack once the pandemic is over! I know this is how one of those adulthood friendships works, again. We don’t always have to be together every time —we grow apart, yet just as close as always.
Well it’s weird though, the highlight of my working anniversary seemed so gloomy. Despite the fact that I’m just as busy as before, it felt like something’s missing! But I know all my colleagues deserve it, and they're gonna do just as great anywhere! However it’s boosting my energy to make FIFA World Cup U-20 successful and leave a lot of good historical moments in our country!
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Dear Elsa,
Bad days come and go. I know it sucks! But that means after this, you will have only good days forward! They feel so good —so good they make you forget those bad days affect you so bad. This too shall pass, ain’t it?
Elsa
I live with a reduced ability to express emotion verbally. It is a self-claim, but I may be categorized myself as a person with alexithymia. I do not understand the feelings I obviously experience, I seem to lack the words to describe my feelings to others. A picture below is the feeling wheel, a helpful tool for alexithymia.
I have an inability to elaborate beyond a few limited adjectives such as “happy” or “unhappy” when describing my feelings. For example, if I am proud, or I am relieved, or I am grateful, the phrase that comes from my mouth is solely, “I am happy”. On the other hand, I would be actually muddled, or I would be annoyed, or I would be impatient, but the phrase that I understand when these feelings come is, “I am unhappy”.
Or in general I do always like this phrase, “I am fine”.
The first week of going back to study was a bit roller coaster of happy and unhappy feelings for me. That means, it was actually full of complicated feelings and I was stressed about it, but I don’t know how to express it. Yesterday I tried to understand what feelings I have felt, and these are two of them:
Alive
Moving to Lund, having orientation program, and meeting new people were a new nice experience I haven’t got in my first and second semester in different universities. I finally understand that enjoying the moments without raising my phone to shoot is fun. I just have my brain to process it.
Most of my moments with my new friends I opted not to post it in Instagram story. Moreover, I did not have any intention to update my Instagram feed, even though I already prepared the 18 next Instagram posts in the Preview app (an Instagram feed planner) back then. I also rarely opened Twitter and scrolled, I just tweeted again one or two days ago. All those traits are new for me. Nothing is right or wrong, it’s just new.
Anxious
I had difficulties to do online courses and finish reading assignments than others. A ten-minute video would not be finished in ten minutes for me because I did pause-play too many times.
I had only two euro (less than 50k Rupiah) in my EU account for a week and I understood my best friend’s struggle: living in poverty (even though myself was just for a week, while he should survive in Finland as Indonesian guy trying to find a better job for three more years).
I felt overwhelmed by so many options and events that I did really want to go, but I just had limited time (and penny!). I also needed to solve unexpected problems that I could not control, such as problem with my bike over and over again, problem for not being able to make zero unread e-mails for more than three days (I never do that!), problem of trying to move to a cheaper accommodation (to go back and forth for negotiation without any result was depressing), and problem of changing the group work for my course that disrupted all of my mood and I needed to start again from the beginning.
I recognized that the anxiety came by my physical-metabolism changes (but not because I felt it). I could not sleep but I did always want to sleep longer, I had gut problems and constipation, my feet couldn’t stop moving while studying, I felt tense and stiff all over my body for days, I had night dreams with my course in some scenes. But I have been healing from the anxiety now, thanks to my friends Sisca and Gautam who were there when I cracked out.
I guess I also felt excited, envy, reserved, inspired, bothered, rejected, successful, and some other similar feelings in this week. It is tiring for me to recognize, but I’m always fine.
How do you feel for this weekend? What things that you amazed so far in your life? Share your feelings by leaving a comment below!
I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing.
